A lot of questions come in here on a weekly basis but there are those that repeat themselves over and over like the one I’m going to blog about today; ‘how do I make someone love me back?’ The answer is simple and heartbreaking at the same time; you can’t. Love doesn’t work just because you want it to, you can’t make someone see something in you that they don’t.
We’re taught from a young age that love is everlasting and that love can conquer all but the plain and simple truth is that it can’t. Love doesn’t heal scars, it doesn’t happen because you want it to, and it doesn’t let you choose. In fairy tales we read that if you’re a good person then true love will find you and that you will live happily ever after. Now in real life we know that’s not true or else there wouldn’t be songs like ‘I can’t make you love me’, or ‘Impossible’. In the real world we fall in love with people who don’t always love us back and how we choose to handle the situation says more about the love we feel then any words ever could.
I’ve cared about people that never felt the same, and I’ve been the one to reject the other person. Neither side feels good, and it rarely ends well because even though they may care about you in other ways it still feels like a rejection. You can’t help but wonder if you had of been different, skinnier, prettier, if you were more giving. would things have been different?
Back in October I met a guy for coffee and we dated for a few weeks before he told me that he didn’t feel like I was the one for him. Now being me, foolish and impulsive, I told him that it was fine and that we could still have sex no issue. I mean at first I thought I could control the situation but he really offered too much of what I wanted in a partner for me not to loose control of my feelings. He made me feel safe, cared for, special, important; everything that a partner is supposed to make you feel, even though he never saw me that way. I can only imagine how he would treat a girl that he actually had feelings for, there would be no way she couldn’t love him.
So for the last few months I’ve been sleeping with him, getting closer, forming bonds and falling in a one sided love. I really started to think that he felt something for me because of the bond we formed but for him it was no more than friendship. I never told him how I felt because I think the entire time I knew that he was never going to feel the same. So we agreed that if we dated anyone else or slept with anyone else that we’d tell the other because lets be honest from the beginning our situation was set to end. I don’t think I was prepared or ready for it to end when it did though.
For two weeks now I’ve known that things were going to have to change, either with him wanting more or me separating myself from him to grieve. I think the entire time I knew that I was going to loose the battle because I couldn’t stop crying and listening to sad songs. Monday I had a really bad day, I just felt drained and emotional. I told him I needed him and just like that knight in shinning armour he showed up to hold me as I cried. I knew in that moment when I cried into his chest that I could never turn back the way I felt about him and that I just wanted him to be happy. I didn’t tell him how I felt but he found out anyway. That same night we were sitting on my couch talking and he told me he had to tell me something, which is never a good sign. He had gone on a date and slept with the girl over the weekend. Well I thought I was going to faint from the wave of pain that flooded my chest and all I could do was try to get to the bathroom before the sobbing started. He had this look of shock on his face, he never even know how I felt, that was how good I hid it from him. Once the tears started there was no stopping them, I took a few minutes in the bathroom and came out to find him sitting on my couch with a look of pure confusion and concern on his face. I think it would have been easier if he didn’t care as much. We talked and I told him I was sorry but I couldn’t stop the feelings from happening, and he kept telling me he was still going to be there for me and by my friend. All I wanted to do was scream at him beg him to love me back and tell me that we could make it work, but I didn’t and neither did he. I cried but somehow managed to keep it together until he left, and immediately after closing the door I slid to the floor and sobbed until I couldn’t breath. I didn’t ever want him to think that any of this was his fault and I couldn’t let him see me break. My only concern through all of it was that he not feel guilty or like he had done anything wrong, because he didn’t.
I’ve cried every day, questioned the thing I’ve done, the things I’ve sad, wondered if I could make him love me but I know I can’t. I don’t think I even realized the extent of how I felt until I was talking to my roommate and she was doing her best girl power we stick together and hate boys speech and I said no I don’t feel any resentment or anger towards him. I want him to be happy, I want him to find everything he ever wanted, I don’t want him to worry about me, I don’t want him to feel sad, and I don’t want to say something to hurt him or make him look bad. I hope that he get’s everything he ever dreamed of, and that he know’s my love for him is pure enough that I just want the best for him.
So in closing I hope that if you ever find someone you love who doesn’t love you back that you feel no ill regard for them. That you take each moment together as a piece of happiness to hold on to with fondness and not regret. I wouldn’t give back a single moment, a single kiss, a single word. Love is a blessing but when it’s not meant to be it’s better to say goodbye with grace then anger. Never taint how you feel with hatred because if you do then you never felt true love to begin with.